I’ve been doing an awful lot of contemplation lately on life. Not the standard “Why are we here?” musings or the question of “What is the purpose behind all this?” I personally could care less about those answers. In fact I am of the opinion that those answers don’t even exist and trying to find them is no more than a waste of one’s existence. I mean, if we ever did answer those questions, would it really even make a difference? We would still be here and life would still go on. The only thing that those answers would give us would be one more set of rules that we would be forced to live by.
No, I’ve been sitting here thinking about emotions. Why do we get sad? What is happiness? Is it even possible to be truly happy? Questions such as these have been plaguing me lately and how this came to be is actually quite interesting to me. I mean, here I am, some 5000 miles away from my home, with an unexpected instant access to pleasures of the flesh at my beckon call and I’m sitting in my apartment wondering about issues such as these. What, exactly, am I looking for? Happiness … that’s what I want. But what do I need to do in order to find this?
I just looked up “happiness” at dictionary.com and got the following definition: 1. the quality or state of being happy. 2. good fortune; pleasure; contentment; joy. Really…? No kidding… I suppose the true question is how does one acquire this? And I’m not just talking about brief periods of euphoria brought on by some form of stimulus such as an orgasm or a drug, perhaps. Hell, I’ve actually experienced several orgasms as of late that have left me feeling less happy; and the effects of drugs inevitably go away – of course the “effects” are strong and can become needed if one is not careful. This is most definitely not the happiness that I am looking for…
I suppose that it actually all depends on so many other things. I guess it’s also largely dependant on who you are and what, exactly, triggers this happiness in you. I mean, depending on the circumstances, happiness is found in a multitude of ways. Why is it, then, that I cannot seem to find even one?
As a “for instance”, let’s take the sexual act. As I’ve stated before, prostitution is actually accepted here in Europe. Well, I don’t know about all of Europe, but it is a legal concept in both Germany and the Netherlands. As far as its moral acceptability, I am actually unaware. I don’t speak the language and have not lived here long enough to really get a feel for how people that frequent the red light districts are regarded. I would assume that they’re not given high regard; however I only have my life experiences growing up in America (where prostitution is illegal in most places) to base this assumption on. But I’m getting off the point here. I’m not trying to do a study on the legality or even morality of prostitution; I’m trying to figure out happiness…
I will freely admit that I have frequented the red light district here in Braunschweig on several occasions. If you read my blog postings on Amsterdam, you are aware that I chose to also partake of the services while I was over there. The funny thing is that I am now beginning to realize that what I have actually been looking for is most definitely not available for purchase – at any price. Don’t get me wrong here – the physical act of sex is, at times, absolutely the most enjoyable experience that there is. I often feel that the quest for this is the only thing keeping me going. However it is far more important that the mental and emotional aspects at least make an appearance. I mean sure … a hot chick is a hot chick; but who wants to screw an emotionless robot? Where’s the fun in that?
I guess what I’m really looking for is a companion – somebody that truly understands me – somebody that “gets” my rather odd-ball sense of humor – and, as I have clearly discovered rather recently, somebody that speaks English! Will I ever find her? I doubt it. The sad fact of the matter is that, even if I do discover this perfect woman, I won’t be able to “get” her. No … my weak self esteem mixed with my quickly deteriorating physical attributes (and believe me, there wasn’t much there to start with) are going to pretty much guarantee that I will always be alone…
Coriolis
Sunday, September 10, 2006
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Aw :-( I hope you have found someone
ReplyDeleteI'm sure each of us (even those of us who are quirky, weird, and have low self esteem) can find someone. Or am I being naive again? :-)
I don't know if it's naive, however I do think some people (myself, for instance) are just destined to be alone. I've come to accept this and, seeing as how I'm currently trying to eke out a living, I think it needs to be this way...
ReplyDeleteOh :-\ you know, though, sometimes I feel the same way about being destine to be alone
ReplyDeleteWell, I've read some of your adventures in Amsterdam and the Manifest posts and I'm still reading and I'm still interested in continuing reading, so I haven't been scared off yet. ;-)
In the immortal words of Yoda, "You will be ... you WILL BE..." ;-)
ReplyDeleteOr perhaps you're open minded enough to not let the trappings of society dictate how you're "supposed" to feel about certain things...? You seem to be more the latter, but if Yoda's correct you won't be the first...
See! Now I'm super curious as to which post you think will offend me! :-D There are things in this world that I personally will never do, and you seem to have done them! But, you're an adult. So you do what you do. There's no reason for me to be offended since you're not doing anything to directly offend me. If a subject matter gets too "real" for me I can just skip and go on somewhere else. I simply try to be the most understanding person one might ever meet, sadly someone did once take advantage of my kindness :-( but it doesn't change who I am.
ReplyDeleteEven though you have done those things I wouldn't, I find your experience fascinating. Through all your experience you learned something about yourself, and I those musings and realizations are reasons I continue to read.
I'm still here! ;-)