A Butterfly Flaps its Wings

I remember when I was back in elementary school and things always seemed to work out for me. I can only assume that this was when I was stupid enough to believe that that’s just the way life was – easy… I’ve always been a very shy person (unbelievable after reading this blog, but true…); however it didn’t seem like that big of a deal to me when I was younger (we’re talking mid to late ‘70s here…) as I was always able to keep a couple good friends and, amazingly enough, had no problems with the women.

Okay, so I’m talking about pre-pubescence, but I could have been a “contender” later in life if I had just conquered that shyness problem. I remember in 2nd grade where I actually had a (secret, of course) crush on two girls – Amy and Tracy. Now I was 7 years old then and knew little about the “birds and the bees”. All I knew was that I liked these girls. What did I do about it? What was I going to do…? I was 7! I guess this was when I picked up my wonderful habit of hiding my feelings. The funny thing about girls in elementary school is that they often times don’t hide their feelings…

This point was made perfectly clear to me one day on the playground as I was sitting alone in one of the cement sewage tubes (yeah, back then pieces of cement sewage piping were considered excellent substitutes for actual playground equipment) just minding my own business. As I was sitting there I basically got molested (remember, we were kids – they just jumped on me and started kissing me) by a couple of girls – Amy and Tracy. Could I have even imagined a better scenario at the time? No – this should have been my “initiation” into becoming a man; but what did I do? I ran away! Granted I was only 7, but I ran away. Why?

You see, I’m starting to think that that one little incident had a much bigger impact on the rest of my life than I ever would have imagined. I mean that basically sums me up – I get the girls I wanted (both, by the way…) and my first reaction is to run.

Here’s where I begin the “what if” scenarios. What if I just stayed there and actually participated in the activity? Yeah, we were too young to understand exactly what we were doing and may have even got into a bit of trouble if the “playground lady” would have caught us; but what would my life have been like if I stayed? You see I believe that it is experiences such as these that make us who were are when we get older. For some stupid reason, I decided to run … I’ve been running since…

The thing is that that wasn’t the only time. Throughout my childhood there were many occasions where I was given the perfect opportunity to abandon those childish fears and become a man. On every one of those opportunities, I ran (either literally or figuratively). I suppose I’m destined to live the rest of my life running from what I really want. It’s sad, really… The saddest part about it is that I seem to have absolutely no way to change this. Every once in a while I get in these situations where I think my luck might finally be changing. Every time (without exception), I manage to find a way to fuck things up.

It’s interesting to me that it took moving to Germany to get me to think about this so much. I think back in America it was just easier for me to find things to waste my time with giving me the ability to push this need that I have to the back of my mind. I really couldn’t tell you when my last actual “date” was – probably over 15 years ago… The thing is I’m in Germany now – I’ve got a taste of what I want and I’m desperately wanting more (and no, I’m not just talking about sex…). Unfortunately, this is most definitely not the environment for me to find what I am seeking – I don’t speak the language! Although I doubt that matters much as I am discovering that speaking the same language isn’t necessarily a guarantee that people will get along. Heck, Julie’s an American and I think I’ve already managed to fuck up that friendship (run Glen, run…). Maybe I’m better off dealing with people that can’t understand me…

Anyway, that’s what’s been on my mind lately. It’d be great to be able to go back in time and get a “do over”. Life, however, doesn’t work that way. In this life, you are where you are – how you got there is pretty much insignificant as you can’t change the past. I am a frustrated old man basically trying to fill an emotional void with visits from women that are only there because I am paying them.

Why did I run…?

bis später,

Coriolis