Sometimes life is good. Usually however, life is nothing more than a seemingly endless series of punches to the gut ending with the sweet, sweet release that is death. I just had a weekend that reminded me of this and I’m actually a bit confused as to why I’m even bothered by it. Oh wait, now I remember … people are assholes!
Yeah, I realize that’s a rather all-encompassing statement and I actually do still have a slight glimmer of hope that it’s somehow incorrect; but my experiences in this god-forsaken existence thus far seem to be somewhat overwhelmed in dealing with assholes. And the worst part about this – almost without fail – is that these people seem to be masters at putting on the façade of an actual caring, sensitive, oftentimes naïve human being long enough to suck you into their trap before their true, heartless narcissism inevitably claws through the guise and once again claims its spot as overlord of this person’s actual self. Of course by then it’s too late – the portion of your own soul that was so foolishly sacrificed in your desperate attempt at happiness is gone … devoured by yet one more apathetic receptacle … leaving you withered, weary and broken. It’s just such a waste of life…
Or perhaps the problem lies with me…? Am I wrong to expect others to return the kindness and generosity (or at least the understanding) that I honestly believe I’ve imparted to them? Perhaps I’m the flawed one here that doesn’t understand the true meaning of selflessness … maybe it’s I that can’t unquestionably love… I suppose it is possible that something within my genetic makeup is flawed in a way such that I am destined to never be able to “understand” the unwritten yet universally known rules that make successful relationships possible. Is it possible that I am the asshole? I really don’t think so…
You see, this is what happened…
For the last year and a half or so, I’ve been dating (well, off and on, I guess…) this woman. At the beginning, things were great. Good enough for her to actually move in with me back when I was living at Chris’ place in Camarillo. Granted, this didn’t last long – something like five months or so before she moved out – but at that time, things were good. I was happy, I believe she was happy, and apart from my sudden need to repeatedly schedule appointments with a dermatologist, our future was looking rather sunny.
Yes, you read that correctly. Shortly after my girlfriend moved in with me, a situation arose that required me to see a dermatologist. I was worried! Not for myself, mind you, but for my Nini. I was afraid that I may have picked up something during my time in Europe (all the trips to Amsterdam and such…) that remained dormant for what would then have been about a year before showing signs. I had not … and the silliness of this fear just now became evident to me whilst typing that last sentence. As it turns out, the issue wasn’t with me. To me however, it really didn’t matter (and NO, Nini did not give me VD … the human body is a complicated piece of equipment … ‘nuff said about that…); I could survive the discomfort for the good of the relationship. After all, that was what was really important, right? Besides, the issue would be solved soon enough…
As time continued to pass, the excitement that was “us” began to ebb. No big surprise here – that’s just the way things usually go. I believe this occurrence has been well documented in many stories, poems and songs. As Roger Waters so aptly scribed:
Yeah, I realize that’s a rather all-encompassing statement and I actually do still have a slight glimmer of hope that it’s somehow incorrect; but my experiences in this god-forsaken existence thus far seem to be somewhat overwhelmed in dealing with assholes. And the worst part about this – almost without fail – is that these people seem to be masters at putting on the façade of an actual caring, sensitive, oftentimes naïve human being long enough to suck you into their trap before their true, heartless narcissism inevitably claws through the guise and once again claims its spot as overlord of this person’s actual self. Of course by then it’s too late – the portion of your own soul that was so foolishly sacrificed in your desperate attempt at happiness is gone … devoured by yet one more apathetic receptacle … leaving you withered, weary and broken. It’s just such a waste of life…
Or perhaps the problem lies with me…? Am I wrong to expect others to return the kindness and generosity (or at least the understanding) that I honestly believe I’ve imparted to them? Perhaps I’m the flawed one here that doesn’t understand the true meaning of selflessness … maybe it’s I that can’t unquestionably love… I suppose it is possible that something within my genetic makeup is flawed in a way such that I am destined to never be able to “understand” the unwritten yet universally known rules that make successful relationships possible. Is it possible that I am the asshole? I really don’t think so…
You see, this is what happened…
For the last year and a half or so, I’ve been dating (well, off and on, I guess…) this woman. At the beginning, things were great. Good enough for her to actually move in with me back when I was living at Chris’ place in Camarillo. Granted, this didn’t last long – something like five months or so before she moved out – but at that time, things were good. I was happy, I believe she was happy, and apart from my sudden need to repeatedly schedule appointments with a dermatologist, our future was looking rather sunny.
Yes, you read that correctly. Shortly after my girlfriend moved in with me, a situation arose that required me to see a dermatologist. I was worried! Not for myself, mind you, but for my Nini. I was afraid that I may have picked up something during my time in Europe (all the trips to Amsterdam and such…) that remained dormant for what would then have been about a year before showing signs. I had not … and the silliness of this fear just now became evident to me whilst typing that last sentence. As it turns out, the issue wasn’t with me. To me however, it really didn’t matter (and NO, Nini did not give me VD … the human body is a complicated piece of equipment … ‘nuff said about that…); I could survive the discomfort for the good of the relationship. After all, that was what was really important, right? Besides, the issue would be solved soon enough…
As time continued to pass, the excitement that was “us” began to ebb. No big surprise here – that’s just the way things usually go. I believe this occurrence has been well documented in many stories, poems and songs. As Roger Waters so aptly scribed:
Day after day, love turns grey
Like the skin of a dying man
And night after night, we pretend it’s alright
But I have grown older
And you have grown colder
And nothing is very much fun anymore
Unfortunately for Nini and me, this deterioration was a bit accelerated. We really had very little in common; and by “very little” I suppose it was nothing more than our mistaken belief that we loved each other. But for me, this meant something. I’m now beginning to wonder if it ever meant anything to her…
I believe it was five months, to the day, after we started officially dating that our first “official” break-up happened. Nini moved out and found a new place to live. It was your typical “we need some distance/time apart” scenario that all relationships heading for failure go through. It was a bit strange as it happened though – out of the blue, she tells me we need to spend some time apart; I agree with her and ask her to move out; she quickly finds a new place and does just that. I think the whole ordeal was completed in one weekend if memory serves me correctly. And that was that … until…
We somehow got back together. Since where she moved was only something like 5 to 10 minutes away from where I was living; I suppose it was inevitable. I don’t know, but I’m thinking this period might have been her first attempt at “playing the field”. I remember at the time thinking that she probably found someone new and wanted to make herself available if this new guy was interested – all pure speculation by me, of course. If this was the case, then things didn’t go as planned for her – we ended up getting back together.
Nini remained living on her own; however we once again became an official couple – your standard “someone to hang out with” on weekends, daily guest to dine with and usual companion for most weekend nights. I was even planning on flying her home with me for the holidays later that year. Of course this somehow turned into a problem for her and she decided not to join me on my trip home for the holidays but rather to inform me in the Outback’s parking lot that we needed to “stop doing this”.
Once again, this rather sudden change of heart took me a bit by surprise; however to be honest, it was all getting a bit old for me then. I just told her that she was making a mistake and once again let her go. She wasn’t gone for too long before we somehow (and to be honest, I can’t even recall how it happened this time) got back together.
When Christmas came, I flew home by myself. Whether Nini and I were considered a couple then, I honestly don’t remember. It’s now all so fuzzy to me exactly when we were and weren’t seeing each other... I do know however that we were a couple again for the beginning of this year (after I returned from my holiday trips). I know this because this was when I started spending way too much time at work – no less than three months straight of 70+ hour workweeks – and also when Nini began doing hikes with this religious group that she somehow stumbled upon. It was also the beginning of the final end for Nini and me…
Now anyone that knows me well knows how I feel about organized religions. For those that don’t, let’s just say that I’m not a big fan… Nini knew this as well; but I never put any pressure on her to not believe if she so chose. She was going on these hikes with this religious group and frankly I was far too busy with work to let it bother me. All of my weekends were being used for work already, so the fact that Nini wasn’t spending them with me didn’t send off too many red alerts in my mind … until the work was completed…
When my work schedule returned to normal, I once again had some actual free time. It was then that I started noticing some very peculiar aspects about Nini and her little hiking cult. It had occurred to me earlier as a bit strange that she never – and I do mean NEVER – even asked me if I wanted to join them on one of their hikes. It didn’t faze me much when I was swamped with work as I didn’t really have the time. Also, it was a religious cult and I was assuming that Nini was trying to respect my beliefs by not forcing me to go … but she never even went as far as inviting me… Okay, that’s fine … if she needs this time for herself, I’ll give it to her. I would occasionally crack a joke about making sure she didn’t drink the Kool-Aid or something in a poorly constructed attempt at conveying my discomfort that would always miss the target; however it was not my place to tell her what she could and couldn’t do. I loved her enough to trust that she would return the trust. Hell, I was even stupid enough to think that she actually meant it when she said that she loved me…
Fast forward a couple months where I take a weeklong trip back to my house in Colorado. It’s a horrible trip that ends up going something like four days longer than scheduled in order for me to begin the process of basically kicking my best friend out of my house (long story … don’t ask…). When I return back to California, I’m greeted by a girlfriend that says she can’t see me that day because she’s going on a hike with her fucking cult. Are you kidding me?! I’m in horrible shape returning from the worst trip in my life and my very own girlfriend stands me up for a fucking religious cult! This is a bad sign … a bad sign…
Sure enough, a few days later, I’m out walking with Nini by my elaborate boarding house that has become my home of late when she mentions something about an upcoming comet or meteor shower or the like. How the conversation got to this is beyond me, but somehow she mentioned it. My response is some kind of quip about her ignoring her cult’s request to hop on the spaceship following the comet and that’s it. I’d apparently gone too far and she wasn’t taking it any more. We stood out front of the house where I am living arguing about nothing. She was extremely offended and I was extremely confused. After explaining several times in several ways that it was a joke that wasn’t really a joke (dark comedy, as it’s known…) and getting nowhere, I proclaimed that I “couldn’t do this anymore” and said I was done. I turned and headed into the house and she drove herself home.
So that was the end. This rollercoaster ride of a relationship finally derailed on a difference in ideological beliefs. I lost my girlfriend to a goddamn religious cult! One more brain washed clean by a group of fanatical zealots. Or so I thought…
Until Saturday night. I was at a party. Nini was there with her new (how “new” I am unaware) boyfriend. From what I was able to gather, they met at this “hiking club”…
So that explains quite a bit. Mainly it explains why I was never invited on these hiking trips. It does a wonderful job at explaining why my girlfriend decided to stand me up when I needed her most and quite clearly demonstrates that my love for this woman was misguided at best. It’s just one more piece of my soul lost…
Bobby, my man, she’s your problem now…
bis später,
Coriolis
I believe it was five months, to the day, after we started officially dating that our first “official” break-up happened. Nini moved out and found a new place to live. It was your typical “we need some distance/time apart” scenario that all relationships heading for failure go through. It was a bit strange as it happened though – out of the blue, she tells me we need to spend some time apart; I agree with her and ask her to move out; she quickly finds a new place and does just that. I think the whole ordeal was completed in one weekend if memory serves me correctly. And that was that … until…
We somehow got back together. Since where she moved was only something like 5 to 10 minutes away from where I was living; I suppose it was inevitable. I don’t know, but I’m thinking this period might have been her first attempt at “playing the field”. I remember at the time thinking that she probably found someone new and wanted to make herself available if this new guy was interested – all pure speculation by me, of course. If this was the case, then things didn’t go as planned for her – we ended up getting back together.
Nini remained living on her own; however we once again became an official couple – your standard “someone to hang out with” on weekends, daily guest to dine with and usual companion for most weekend nights. I was even planning on flying her home with me for the holidays later that year. Of course this somehow turned into a problem for her and she decided not to join me on my trip home for the holidays but rather to inform me in the Outback’s parking lot that we needed to “stop doing this”.
Once again, this rather sudden change of heart took me a bit by surprise; however to be honest, it was all getting a bit old for me then. I just told her that she was making a mistake and once again let her go. She wasn’t gone for too long before we somehow (and to be honest, I can’t even recall how it happened this time) got back together.
When Christmas came, I flew home by myself. Whether Nini and I were considered a couple then, I honestly don’t remember. It’s now all so fuzzy to me exactly when we were and weren’t seeing each other... I do know however that we were a couple again for the beginning of this year (after I returned from my holiday trips). I know this because this was when I started spending way too much time at work – no less than three months straight of 70+ hour workweeks – and also when Nini began doing hikes with this religious group that she somehow stumbled upon. It was also the beginning of the final end for Nini and me…
Now anyone that knows me well knows how I feel about organized religions. For those that don’t, let’s just say that I’m not a big fan… Nini knew this as well; but I never put any pressure on her to not believe if she so chose. She was going on these hikes with this religious group and frankly I was far too busy with work to let it bother me. All of my weekends were being used for work already, so the fact that Nini wasn’t spending them with me didn’t send off too many red alerts in my mind … until the work was completed…
When my work schedule returned to normal, I once again had some actual free time. It was then that I started noticing some very peculiar aspects about Nini and her little hiking cult. It had occurred to me earlier as a bit strange that she never – and I do mean NEVER – even asked me if I wanted to join them on one of their hikes. It didn’t faze me much when I was swamped with work as I didn’t really have the time. Also, it was a religious cult and I was assuming that Nini was trying to respect my beliefs by not forcing me to go … but she never even went as far as inviting me… Okay, that’s fine … if she needs this time for herself, I’ll give it to her. I would occasionally crack a joke about making sure she didn’t drink the Kool-Aid or something in a poorly constructed attempt at conveying my discomfort that would always miss the target; however it was not my place to tell her what she could and couldn’t do. I loved her enough to trust that she would return the trust. Hell, I was even stupid enough to think that she actually meant it when she said that she loved me…
Fast forward a couple months where I take a weeklong trip back to my house in Colorado. It’s a horrible trip that ends up going something like four days longer than scheduled in order for me to begin the process of basically kicking my best friend out of my house (long story … don’t ask…). When I return back to California, I’m greeted by a girlfriend that says she can’t see me that day because she’s going on a hike with her fucking cult. Are you kidding me?! I’m in horrible shape returning from the worst trip in my life and my very own girlfriend stands me up for a fucking religious cult! This is a bad sign … a bad sign…
Sure enough, a few days later, I’m out walking with Nini by my elaborate boarding house that has become my home of late when she mentions something about an upcoming comet or meteor shower or the like. How the conversation got to this is beyond me, but somehow she mentioned it. My response is some kind of quip about her ignoring her cult’s request to hop on the spaceship following the comet and that’s it. I’d apparently gone too far and she wasn’t taking it any more. We stood out front of the house where I am living arguing about nothing. She was extremely offended and I was extremely confused. After explaining several times in several ways that it was a joke that wasn’t really a joke (dark comedy, as it’s known…) and getting nowhere, I proclaimed that I “couldn’t do this anymore” and said I was done. I turned and headed into the house and she drove herself home.
So that was the end. This rollercoaster ride of a relationship finally derailed on a difference in ideological beliefs. I lost my girlfriend to a goddamn religious cult! One more brain washed clean by a group of fanatical zealots. Or so I thought…
Until Saturday night. I was at a party. Nini was there with her new (how “new” I am unaware) boyfriend. From what I was able to gather, they met at this “hiking club”…
So that explains quite a bit. Mainly it explains why I was never invited on these hiking trips. It does a wonderful job at explaining why my girlfriend decided to stand me up when I needed her most and quite clearly demonstrates that my love for this woman was misguided at best. It’s just one more piece of my soul lost…
Bobby, my man, she’s your problem now…
bis später,
Coriolis
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