not me ... not now...

Well, today was my last day of work here in Germany. I was given a travel book of Braunschweig and a bottle of something (I believe it’s Jägermeiſter although I haven’t opened it yet to check…) as parting gifts. The guys that I worked with over here were your typical fine German citizens and I really will miss the sometimes awkward (purely in the social sense – they are all business professionals) interactions. However, that’s life – you need to continue on the quest. It’s time for me to get back to my home and begin work on the next phase of my life. I said my farewells to the crew here in Germany however I do not believe I will ever truly forget them. I wish nothing but the best for each and every one of them in the future.

As for me, I’m actually in a rather interesting (if not slightly troublesome) situation. The work here is done (which, of course, means the income is done as well), I’m signed up to be heading back to the states via trans-Atlantic steel freighter sometime early next month followed by a rather extended visit with friends and family back in my hometown … but then what? You see, that’s the question I’ve been wrestling with… Exactly what crazy and mixed-up scheme am I going to partake in next…?

I’ve always believed that the only person truly responsible for anybody’s choices in life is that person. For me – since I have no immediate family to support – this belief seems to ring absolutely true. I completely understand that any bad decisions I may make could have negative impacts on other’s lives – my friends and family who have always been there when I truly needed them – however it has become very clear to me during this latest venture down the “path less traveled” that mine is, by and large, a lone journey.

Try not to read this the wrong way … I’m not complaining. What is is. My current life is just a culmination of all previous decisions made and, to be honest with you, I think I’m doing pretty well. I’ve actually been able to earn enough money to pay off most of my debt (there will always be the mortgage … that one’s kind of tough…) which basically can be looked at as a financial reset. I now get the often desired opportunity to start over fresh and see if I’ve learned anything from the sometimes ill-advised choices previously made when originally acquiring said debt. But here’s the rub, I feel that I’ve completely burned out in my chosen profession. The thought of needing to – once again – go through the rigors of finding a new job, jumping through the hoops required to secure any open position found and devoting a large portion of my life to the execution of said job is enough to bring tears to my eyes. It’s already making sleep a bit more difficult … nothing like lying awake in bed trying to figure a way out of this – especially when the way can’t be found…

I actually had a technical phone interview with a company in Fort Collins last night. Put aside the fact that it was on my cheap cell phone and the signal strength was almost constantly fluctuating (making even basic communication challenging), I realized something a bit shocking – I didn’t want the job. Yeah, it is true that I most definitely need a job; but I’m becoming more and more of the opinion that what really needs to be done in order to have a fruitful life is to somehow get your desires in line with your needs. I have very little desire to become another overworked and underappreciated line item for yet another corporation. There’s got to be a better way…

I guess the real trick in life is figuring out how to make your desires pay off. I think that all (well, at least most) of the successful people in this world have done just that – they’ve been able to prosper on terms that they, themselves, came up with. Their path to success very well may have included periods where effort was spent on sustaining the lifestyles of others that were further along in the game; however their own success was reached by never forgetting the reasoning behind these periods – to obtain the resources required to live their lives on their own terms. Perhaps their own terms are to stay in that 9 to 5 job and sacrifice a portion of their own life to support loved ones – there’s nothing wrong with that, in fact I believe that a decision such as this very noble and anyone choosing to live this way is a success. It just happens not to be my desire – not me … not now…

bis später,

Coriolis